You aren't ruining your spouse/partner's life if you relocate them to the UK for your job, but you are responsible for helping them adjust to the aftermath of this London move - London Relocation Services - Image via Wikipedia

Author:  Colleen

If you’re moving to London for work and bringing a spouse or partner in tow, ya know, I think I started this series last week with YOU in mind all along…

As an accompanying spouse myself, I’ve been documenting the challenges of relocating to London on behalf of someone else (Part 1), how those challenges result from the toppling of an individual’s hierarchy of needs based on Maslow’s theory (Part 2), how this hierarchy of needs specifically related to my own international relocation (Part 3), how couples can take preventative measures to minimize these challenges (Part 4), and how trailing spouses can reactively cope with them (Part 5). Spouses who are the reason for the London relocation, Part 6 is for you…

To start, take a look at this Maslow pyramid that I keep inserting in these posts. Really study it. Commit it to memory. You’re going to want to be able to immediately recall it whenever your partner comes to you with a problem related to the relocation…or perhaps you’re going to need it to help you identify the signs of a problem yourself—in the event your partner doesn’t openly communicate his/her concerns, you may not realize they’re silently waiting for you to see that they’re sinking. And, oh man, can I attest to the hurt and resentment they’ll feel if you don’t see that while living under the same roof, and a wee London apartment at that, which gives nothing any place to hide. So…

DON’T: Assume everything’s fine just because your accompanying spouse/partner hasn’t said anything. Dismiss any complaints they do communicate as nagging. Overlook changes in their demeanor—e.g., if they seem angrier, sadder, quieter, lonelier, more despondent than usual (depression is a natural result of life change, and its symptoms shouldn’t be taken lightly). Dismiss their rights to a fulfilling life in London as secondary to yours. Underestimate the importance of relationships in their lives outside of yourself, how family/friend/professional networks back home had tremendous value and are now missing. Overestimate their ability to adapt to change—this is a major change that even the strong can buckle under without enough supports in place. Take for granted that you’re getting to do what you wanted to do and your partner isn’t necessarily. Pressure them into finding work if you’d agreed before the move that that wouldn’t be a priority. Pressure them into finding work if you’d agreed that it would be a priority!—which is to say, these things must happen in their own time (see DOs below). Tell them what they should do if they are searching for work, especially if they’re exploring options outside of what they did at home—you might think it’s helpful to research and send them job postings, but it’s really, really not unless they specifically ask you to (again, see DOs below). Assume they’re closed-minded if they don’t want to follow your suggestions. Expect them to instantly become a domestic goddess (and fall in love with serving that role) if they’ve mainly focused on career up until now. State or even imply blame on them if they’re not working and money becomes a crunch—this is something you should have already anticipated and brainstormed solutions to before asking them to relocate. Tease them using phrases like “must be nice” or “lady of leisure” if they’re unemployed as a result of the relocation—it isn’t funny because it’s probably truth in jest, and they’ll know that, and all it does is further squash the self-esteem of someone earnestly trying to find purpose in their day-to-day life again…and who’s in this situation because YOU asked them to be.

DO: Imagine if the tables were turned—would you have sacrificed the same for them? Would it have been easy for you? Consider why perhaps it wouldn’t be easy for you and realize that’s likely why it isn’t for them—then remember it’s their reality, not a hypothetical scenario like what you’ve just imagined. So then, appreciate the hell out of that sacrifice and make sure they know you do. Respect any and all contributions they make to your household. Carry your weight and theirs willingly if it’s what you agreed upon when deciding to relocate. Encourage visits home. Understand that they’re undergoing, to some degree, a crisis in identity and be patient as they feel their way through new roles or try to find their way back to original ones. Understand that job dynamics are different in London—not all fields are easy to transfer within from place to place, commute/salary/resources/etc. could be grossly different than what one had back home, and expats are at a greater disadvantage at finding work than locals. Remember that no one but the individual knows what will satisfy them most in career or other pursuits—if you’re the one who asked your spouse to walk away from something they were already happy with, don’t presume (dare) be the one to tell them what to now walk toward; they’re not going to appreciate that any more than you would. Give your opinion on such matters when asked for it. Support what they do undertake (and if it’s unpaid, don’t undermine your support of it by “suggesting” how it could be flipped into paying work!). Remember that while you’re at the office and distracted by coworkers and projects, they might be sitting alone at home with no one to talk to, wondering what happened to the life they once knew. Bear in mind that self-esteem levels will be lower than normal, so you really must be sensitive in how you communicate. Recognize all the fabulous qualities and talents your partner does possess and trust they’ll have the sense/motivation to apply them with both of your best interests in mind as circumstances dictate/allow. Be there for each other. Be there for each other. Be there for each other.

Really, it all comes down to mutual understanding—feeling it and sharing it. One of my favorite quotations stated by one of my favorite characters in one of my favorite books is:

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

– Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

That goes for both of you, okay?

And, in closing, another essential “do” for both of you is to allow some breathing room to follow the international relocation—unless you’re employing the services of a London Relocation agent , finding a London apartment and getting your bearings takes a lot of time; many expats (myself included) admit it can take almost a year to really feel sorted and at home. So look out for each other and make sure both your needs are being met. Only then can moving to London be the grand adventure you seek together.

A big part of working together as a couple is knowing what you're responsible for as an individual, too, after your London move - London Relocation Services - Image via Wikipedia

Author:  Colleen

Moving to London for a job? Is your spouse or partner relocating to the UK with you? Perhaps sometimes the planets are in alignment and enable a couple to perfectly time their new London jobs together…so they can move over together and both enjoy job security, with equal enthusiasm over this new adventure together. Very often, though, this isn’t the case. If both individuals are professionals, usually the one whose job isn’t the cause of the relocation is the one who lags behind in finding work again after the move. But it’s not only those accompanying spouses who are giving up a job to move to London that can suffer an emotional setback; even stay-at-home partners are going to trip down their Maslow hierarchy of needs a bit in the absence of a familiar environment and existing family and friend network.

In my last post (Part 4), I listed some key talking points that will help couples outline their post-relocation expectations of one another—i.e., what roles they will fulfill after making the London move as far as contributing financially and/or domestically. I mean, these are talks any committed couple will inevitably have whether you make an international relocation or not; the point is, just when you’ve already had this discussion in starting your lives together, moving to London is going to be like pressing a giant RESET button. It probably wasn’t too fun the first time around, and now it’s going to start all over again. Brace yourselves. This is all part-n-parcel of being in a loving relationship, even during (especially during?) those times you don’t particularly like each other! This is the stuff that makes you stronger as an individual and as a pair, so let’s continue rebuilding our Maslow pyramid from the ground-up, shall we? Operation: TEAMWORK.

But to work effectively as a team, let’s assume some individual accountability…

If you’re the accompanying/trailing spouse—

DON’T: Continually blame your spouse/partner for relocating you and argue as if you’re on opposite teams rather than the same one. Continually blame yourself for feeling vulnerable. Isolate yourself and wallow in self-pity for prolonged periods of time. Make no effort to find satisfying outlets for your passions and skills. Hesitate to pursue online networking opportunities or attend local socials. Be shy or ashamed to ask others for help, be it figuring out necessities or seeking counseling. Expect your spouse/partner to be a mind-reader; they have their own preoccupations with stress, too, so might need to be clobbered over the head (figuratively speaking!) with your message. Be unwilling to pull your own weight in some capacity if it’s something you’ve promised to do. Measure your worth by the London occupation you pursue or how much money you make. Forget that you add value in other ways.

DO: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Acknowledge that you were part of the decision-making to relocate to London, even if you weren’t the one to initiate it. Observe how the stress of relocation might be impacting your partner as well; they’re bearing tremendous responsibility, too, and may feel worse than you realize that you sacrificed what you did for them (and they may feel unsure of how to properly pay you back for that so go into denial or emotional paralysis mode as a result!). Explore and take advantage of the opportunities a London move will offer (e.g., travel, culture, history, diversity, beauty), even if it means leaving other opportunities behind at home. Get outside and walking around to make the unfamiliar familiar and learn something new. Network with other expats and locals to make some friends—other accompanying spouses make for free therapy . Reassure yourself that stepping outside your comfort zone is key to personal growth. Let yourself enjoy the luxury of a life of leisure (if you’re not working and even if it’s only temporary)—you’ve surely earned it! Be open to new opportunities, job or otherwise. Feel satisfied and proud that you’re capable of sacrificing so much to support the needs of your spouse/partner. Remember that you did it because you love them and it’s the Golden Rule. But also know that your feelings are TOTALLY validated!!! So be clear in communicating your needs, in a calm, clear, and productive manner.

In Part 3, I’d described layer-by-layer how my personal hierarchy of needs had been dismantled by my London move. Rebuilding my own pyramid was not simple or fast, but it definitely helped when I’d come to realize the above and follow my own advice. A person’s life is a complex thing to get into, but I can at least say in brief that finding employment with London Relocation (which I discovered through a posting on Craigslist, FYI) may not have seemed a logical career step for an English teacher, but it was a big step toward returning routine to my day and restoring interaction with colleagues who then became friends. It also allowed me to draw from my teaching background in educating fellow expats on London and offering them empathy and compassion. My social media efforts on behalf of London Relocation also opened my eyes to online networking opportunities, something I’d have never considered at home but truly appreciate now. It was through the London Living social network I created, in fact, that I met the phenomenal group of friends I now hang out with all the time. And my role with the agency has since evolved into writing web content on a freelance basis to allow time for another freelance opportunity that since came my way: editing novels for publication. I’d become an English teacher, folks, because of my love for reading, writing, and helping others, all of which I’m able to do again now in my new capacities, opportunities that I love and would have never gotten to do had it not been for moving to London. Combine that with more time to travel, indulge in creative writing of my own, frequently visit the home I love, and the fact that London is a literary-geek-like-me’s paradise, and I’m finally able stand atop my Maslow pyramid and enjoy the view. Funny how life works out, huh.

But like I said, it didn’t come easily nor quickly. I had to play my part in making it happen, but my husband also had to play his—our mutual support has been integral to keeping us both happy. I’ll wrap up in Part 6 the corresponding do’s and don’ts for those who initiate the relocation, such that they fulfill their end of the obligation in keeping their accompanying spouse/partner’s needs met.

Planning ahead with your spouse is important to keeping your needs met after a relocation to London - London Relocation Services - Image via Wikipedia

Author:  Colleen

An international relocation to London is inevitably going to entail challenges for anyone making the move. If you’ve been following my recent series, however, I’ve been specifically addressing the needs of accompanying spouses (also known as trailing spouses—yes, there’s actual lingo out there to describe us in the global mobility industry). What’s key to understand, though, is that while the accompanying spouse or partner is likely the one to take the brunt of the relocation stress, it takes two to tango, as they say. Both partners involved are going to be affected by the phenomenon I outlined in Part 2 and Part 3—that is, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs getting whittled down, layer by layer.

Now bear in mind that I am not a psychologist, social worker, life coach, or of any other profession licensed to spew couples counseling advice. I am an accompanying spouse, however, so I speak with that authority as far as my own personal experience is concerned (which I explained in Part 3). Every situation is different. I can’t pretend to understand all factors involved in your relationship and general circumstances, but I do have some important advice to share that addresses the common scenarios I’ve observed across assorted London expat couples, and I’ll do so coming from both points of view of the employed and trailing spouse.

So. If you haven’t moved to London yet, you’re in a really good position to start having some serious pre-relocation talks. You probably already have concerning a number of matters, but make sure you specifically outline expectations of what one another’s role will be post-relocation.

• Have you budgeted for your upcoming cost of living?
• If so, will both spouses/partners need to work, or will the one whose job is relocating you to London bring in sufficient income?

Those moving to London through a job transfer might have a generous enough expat package to help a dual-income family go down to just one (most vital is if the employer will cover London rent). If you’re relocating to London, though, for a new job like my husband did, you’ll be paying for most everything out of your own pocket, so some extra cash flow might be necessary. Just make it clear from the outset:

• If you’re not working now at home, can you still not work in London?
• If you have a job at home, will you have to have one in London?
• If so, does it need to be full-time or part-time?
• Do you want to continue along your career track at the same level/pay-scale, or are you open to trying something different, maybe just something fun you’ve always been interested in trying?
• If you aren’t going to seek employment in London or will do so on a part-time basis, are you going to take primary responsibility for domestic duties (i.e., grocery shopping, laundry, housecleaning, etc.), or will you two divide them?
• If you are going to seek employment in London, when will you start looking for work? Before or after the move? If after, how soon after? Do you require time to get settled in first?

It is imperative to have these and related questions sorted right away—ideally, before your move. Maybe even get it in writing. Kidding about that, and yet not really…because it’s not all too uncommon for one partner or another to renege on promises. The reality might be very different than what you’d anticipated, so what sounded reasonable before isn’t seeming so later. In a case like that, it could be vital to adjust your expectations to the actual situation—my husband and I, for example, moved to London the very week that the economy tanked in 2008, crushing our US investments and diminishing the USD value of my husband’s GBP salary. Needless to say, that forced us to reevaluate our finances and, consequently, what monetary contributions I as the trailing spouse would indeed need to make while living here in London. Granted, I had already set expectations before the move that I was going to work, so the stress in that situation came more from the job-hunt not being quite I’d expected and the pressure to bring in money something that did not help me rebuild my Maslow pyramid at all.

Which will lead me into Part 5 of this ever-expanding series, concerning emotional support between spouses/partners following a relocation to London.

Falling down and then climbing back up your hierarchy of needs after a London move - London Relocation Services - Image via Wikipedia

Author:  Colleen

Whether you’re relocating to London for a job and bringing a spouse/partner in tow or you are that spouse/partner moving to London for your loved one’s career, then this series of posts is for both of you. I started out on Thursday explaining the difficulties of being an accompanying spouse relocating for someone else’s pursuits (even when you’re happy and excited to be moving!). On Friday, I then started delving into why these difficulties naturally exist, that they’re normal in a relocation situation that turns our Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need (see image) topsy-turvy. So today I wish to share my own anecdotal observation of how this pyramid holds up against an international to London (particularly when you’re not moving for your own job or schooling).

Speaking from my own experience, when I found myself living out of a hotel room and three pieces of luggage for three weeks, my basic physiological needs, thank goodness, were still being met (there was a faucet, bed, toilet, and plenty-o-pubs nearby! ). But I’d already lost my footing at the next tier of the hierarchy—safety—being newly unemployed, unfamiliar with the city, and without a London apartment to call my home. It wasn’t easy for my husband to be homeless either, but at least he could go to the office every day and interact with colleagues, already make new friends among them, feel the satisfaction and security of earning an income, and encounter not so much as a blip in his career continuity.

And to really generalize the sexes, as a woman, I value relationships more heavily than he does, so leaving close family and friends behind just about ripped my heart out. I’d lost my professional and personal circles, which then eroded away at the next tier of love and belonging; yes, I had my husband’s love, but his attention was divided between me and adjusting to his new work role, and though I have always been able (if not preferred) to do things alone, it’s when you know it’s not optional that you can truly feel lonely.

Add to that the fact I was no longer contributing an income and my days lacked structure and purpose, so my self-esteem was the next in line to go. I pursued work in my profession (teaching), but when conditions were so disappointing that I didn’t want to continue, as much as I’d felt entitled to a better quality of work (the same as I’d had back home), I mostly blamed myself afterward for giving up, for being too weak to make an outrageously difficult situation sustainable, even though factors beyond my control had set me up to fail. I had already changed careers from Finance a few years prior, so having to redefine myself professionally yet again (and not of my own volition this time) was so not awesome. And though I tried to then become more domestically-focused instead, I felt incompetent and uninterested in it, so now I saw myself as a failure at both work and home. And I wondered if my husband still respected me, if he realized how hard I was trying, that I wasn’t just sitting around on the sofa eating bonbons and watching Coronation Street all day-every day. And the more I wondered if he respected me, I doubted that he did and then resented that he put me in this position to begin with—so I then lost my sense of respect for him, too. I constantly fell back on what I had achieved, what I used to be and could once show for my life, which all the more rubbed in how much I didn’t know who I was now.

Try achieving self-actualization in THAT frame of mind…you can’t. At least in theory you can’t, not until the lower levels of needs are met.

So what can you do about it? Join me in Parts 4, 5, and 6 for some steps you can take as an individual and as a couple to re-lay your foundations and rebuild on them with the sky as your limit. An international relocation to London can surprisingly be what knocks you down only to raise you higher.

The building blocks of human needs that can be knocked down by an international relocation to London - London Relocation Services - Image via Wikipedia

Author:  Colleen

If you’re moving to London as an accompanying spouse or partner (also referred to as “trailing,” a description I personally dislike), I’m following up on yesterday’s post concerning the disruption to life an international relocation can be when it’s not your own job taking you there. Now, for as much as I allowed myself to vent in Part 1 about what makes the move difficult as an accompanying/trailing spouse, it took me a while to realize that sitting around complaining wasn’t going to help anything. The natural scapegoat in this scenario is going to be your spouse/partner, but that’s not the productive way to proceed. Relocating for their job is already a sign of your love and support for them, right? So you will be feeling entitled to the same from them, and the key to gaining that mutual support will be communicating clearly and rationally why the adjustment is going to be or already is so hard for you. Try your best not to turn it into a blame-game; take ownership of your own happiness. That isn’t to say, though, that you can’t assign some accountability to your partner, too, so they know how their decisions impact yours in turn.

An article I recently read by Ellen Scholten on ExpatCareers.com spells it out: it refers to the concept of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need in relation to relocation. This is something you’ve probably learned in school but haven’t related to your own life lately. And it comes with a visual aid, even better for putting it in terms a spouse/partner can understand! So, picture a pyramid (or just look at the image above ). At its wide base are our fundamental human needs to stay alive. At the very least, we need food, water, air, etc. to meet our physiological requirements. Once those needs are met, we can prioritize our safety—having shelter, job security, and health, for example. When we don’t have to worry about those things, we can then progress up the pyramid to meet our emotional needs—to love and be loved and feel confident in and respectful of ourselves while also respecting others. At the very pinnacle of this pyramid, then, is the abstract touch-feely stuff of life fulfillment we can then strive to achieve now that our more basic needs have been met; this can relate to our intellectual and creative pursuits, shaping our morality, and all-around self-discovery of our inner landscape.

So, as Scholten states, an international relocation can turn our Maslow pyramid on its head. Not that moving abroad doesn’t also entail a lot of change and stress for the spouse/partner who is initiating the relocation, but the job or study program they’re moving for is at least a known quantity, and it’s something that furthers their aspirations, thus satisfying their needs on both the security and self-actualization levels—and those in between if that sense of responsibility and achievement boosts their confidence and gives them a work community of peers to belong to. The accompanying spouse, though—the one who leaves behind an existing professional and social network, not to mention an established home—gets knocked down a few pegs.

Stick with me next week as I conclude this topic with Parts 3 and 4, elaborating more specifically on how one’s pyramid of needs gets toppled by an international relocation and how to work together with one’s spouse/partner to rebuild it.